Didn’t cereal boxes use to suck less?

My memory, when I was a kid, is that the backs of non-healthy cereal boxes were pretty great. They had mazes, they had word searches, they had stories and diagrams for cut-out models. They had descriptions of the little toy inside the box that made is sound much less lame than it really was.

But this morning I looked in the cereal shelf and the boxes didn’t exactly bring out my inner child. Cocoa Krispies wanted me to read “Keep ‘n’ Clip Recipes.” Yeah, that’s what kids want: “Entertaining Made Easy.” Just like Moms want to put Cocoa Krispies in their party appetizers. Cinnamon Life (not a healthy cereal in the Special K mold!) had a big picture of…a bowl of Cinnamon Life. Wow, that’s awesome. Prop that up behind your actual bowl of Cinnamon Life and you have a witty, Magritte-style commentary on modern life. (“Ceci n’est pas la Vie aux Cannelle.”) Kids’ll love that. Oh, it also had some long boring spiel about B-vitamins that made me want to swallow my tongue. Give my tongue to Mikey. He’ll eat anything.

Only Reese’s Puffs didn’t let me down! Reese’s apparently has a strong corporate interest in molding America’s children into…hip-hop DJs. Today’s installment: the Official Reese’s Puffs DJ Name Mixer. If you ever wondered how all your hip-hop favorites got their names…well, you should have been LOOKING FOR THAT INFORMATION ON A @#%&ING CEREAL BOX, DUMB-ASS! Because now you know!

This is absolutely correct information about the world of hip-hop, straight out of Compton. For example, Tupac Shakur grew up on Tupac Street, and had a gerbil called Shakur. TRUE FACT.

So I guess I just have to decide if I’m going to be Thyrty-Eyghth Northeast Watson the Parakeet, or Anton Chigurh W. Peace.