I love A Charlie Brown Christmas, so I don’t want to sound like a Scrooge here, but watching it last night, I realized something about the much-praised dancing to “Linus and Lucy” in the famous pageant scene: it sucks. Most of the moves suck. If you busted them out at high school dances back in the day, they sucked. Even backed with “Hey Ya,” they still vaguely suck. Let’s go to the tape.

Best to worst:

1. Frieda. Her little arms-out move is simple, but she really makes the most of it. Plus, she’s the only one who looks unstudied, like she’s actually having a good time, other than…
2. Linus. Man, watch him stomp, even with the blanket limiting his mobility. He’s doing almost the same two-step as Sally, but he actually makes it look almost funky. It’s all about attitude, baby.
3. Shermy. That “Frankenstein” is pretty lame, but the head-bob makes it semi-work.
4. 3 and 4. (These are the numerically-named twins whose brief run in the strip in the mid-’60s apparently coincided with the time the Charlie Brown Christmas model sheets were being drawn. They got lucky.) They have their hands in the air, but it don’t look like they don’t care. Rather, it looks like they’re in a church-basement production of Godspell.
5. 5. (Their appropriately numbered brother.) He’s the kid with thinning hair doing the “funeral march of the marionette” at center right. Somebody please cut the strings.
6. Sally. She’s trying for what Linus is doing, but she’s mistaken Mary Poppins-style marching for his stomping. She’s ready to lead the singing on Romper Room.
7. Violet. Jumping Joseph on a pogo stick, is this a train wreck. Elbows flailing, wildly off the beat, staring at her feet in sheer panic, she looks like Benny at the L.A. Law Christmas party. Somebody’s probably going to get a pudgy little Peanuts elbow in the eye. You can’t spell “violent” without Violet!

Overall, it gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “white Christmas.”