All the answers

I know a lot of people are taking the contestant test for Jeopardy! online tonight. I know this because many of these eager young hopefuls have contacted me asking for tips.

Normally I wouldn’t be much help, but today, you’re in luck. I can’t really disclose how I obtained this, but I have a complete answer list for tonight’s test. Yup, all 40 answers. Well, questions. You know what I mean.

So throw away those flash cards on U.S. vice presidents and African capitals. Study these answers and I can guarantee you a score of 100%. (You might want to get a few strategically chosen answers wrong, just to divert suspicion.)

  1. What is Portugal?
  2. What are bald eagles?
  3. Who is Hester Prynne?
  4. What is the Kansas-Nebraska Act?
  5. Who is Puccini?
  6. What is On Golden Pond?
  7. Who is Alfred the Great?
  8. What is the Flatiron Building?
  9. What is superconductivity?
  10. What is “AIDS, crack, Bernie Goetz”?
  11. What are quarks?
  12. What are sporks?
  13. What are “death panels”?
  14. What are eyebrows?
  15. No, I mean it, man. Like, what are eyebrows? Isn’t it totally weird that we have them?
  16. What is the Yangtze River?
  17. What is McRib?
  18. What is hand-to-hand wombat?
  19. What is a slow, sensual massage, Alex…no, not there, lower? Ahhh, that’s it.
  20. Who is St. Thomas Aquinas?
  21. Who is YOUR MOM?!? high-five bro don’t leave me hanging
  22. (hold envelope to forehead) What is “sis-boom-bah”?
  23. What is the Nineteenth Amendment?
  24. What is with Kevin Bacon’s weird pig nose?
  25. Who is Sacajawea?
  26. Who is killing the great chefs of Europe?
  27. Whoooo are you? Ooooh-ooh, ooooh-ooh?
  28. What is soda? (Do not accept “What is pop?”)
  29. What is The Fifth Element? It’s “love,” right? I bet it’s love.
  30. Who is Terence Trent D’ilfer?
  31. Who is Confused Passerby #3?
  32. What is it like doing sex with a lady in a bathtub or shower?
  33. What is that thing on a turkey’s neck?
  34. What is C):-) (or “happy cowboy emoticon” or “HCE”)?
  35. Who is Kony again?
  36. What is a farmers’ market saxophone solo?
  37. Who is “Marky Mark” Chagall?
  38. What is 선풍기로 인한 사망?
  39. What is I wish we all lived in the apartment building from Ghostbusters?
  40. What is that, a conquistador helmet?

Easy as pie, right? See you on the show! Tell ‘em Ken sent ya.